| Understand "Divorce Process" and Play The Game With No Constant Upset | |||||||||||||||
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Divorce Effect On Social Security Entitlements |
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We like to extend help to the newbies to the divorce process who still think it is the end of the world and need a little coaching help. Those going through a divorce and are new to the process need to understand, all divorces succeed these days. Many are worried that something they are doing may give their STBX an advantage and "cost them" in their divorce. Or somehow screw it up. Remember, a big percentage of marriages do fail but all divorces "succeed". This might take longer for your emotional coming apart then the legal coming apart, but that can be speeded up and that's what we help with. To get a divorce or a fair settlement you used to need to have "something" on the other person. Those days are pretty much gone. No matter what you say or they say, the divorce will go through. Now they can delay it with legal maneuvers but they cannot stop it. As far as I know all states have now advanced to what is called a "no fault divorce." Of course, each state has a little different rules on property dividing. Usually, being cast as a villain by your STBX does not change your property rights, so see little advantage in the other person trying to get something on you. That mentality still seems to exist and fear that you might do something wrong and screw up your divorce is for most states an overblown concern. You can check with a local attorney and that aspect in your area. Probably 95% of cases never actually wind up in court being settled in front of a judge anyway. You and your STBX agree on something and if not too far out, the judges function is to rubber stamp it and make the agreement official. If you and your STBX have a hassle then you have to pay big bucks to have two attorneys argue with each other, most not going to court and take your money, and then write something up they think the judge will stamp as reasonable. So the attorneys wind up being the deciders and if you do not agree with what they worked out between them, then you go to court and the judge decides but your legal bills double. A judge is never a certainty, a human being that does what they feel like at the moment. If the STBX (soon to be ex, term you need to pick up on and adopt) wants to delay it, remind them any big hospital bills or any bills you run up, as a married to you person, they can be held liable for your bills. That concept usually gets the divorce moving. If they think you really do not give a rip how long it takes, it is just paper work and they are potentially liable idea, then they are not bugging or irritating you by delaying it, etc. (ringing your chimes), then the delay will end and your divorce move on. Right now they are likely trying to test, pushing your buttons, and which ever one is getting a reaction from you (delay, for example) is the ones they will keep doing. So the less you react to their worse actions, the sooner they will usually stop. Then we have the old sell myself and the world that this divorce is not my fault. I have to convince myself and everyone that you are very defective and have done all sort of things justifying my going thru this divorce. This is what usually tears you apart, you get terribly emotionally upset because it is just not fair, and you do not like the villain role, and then, of course, you over react. So that is the sales pitch you are hearing. They are spreading what a villain you really are. To convince themself and the world they are okay, it is the spouse then that has "real problems". You might have to play this "villain part" for a while. Go ahead, accept it without reacting. Anybody that matters will soon see through this anyway. That is just all a normal part of the coming apart process, so just take the lumps and move on, understanding it's just normal part of the pulling a big pile of spaghetti apart. Our http://singlestalkshop.com is a good place to talk some of this out and about, and see what others have experienced or done. Initially you think you have the world's worse divorce and something this bad like this has likely never happened before. Highly suggest you look for a divorce support group in your area, and if there is not one, start one. It really is helpful to talk about the divorce process to make sense out of it and move on. Once you understand it, that it's just a process and lots of others are going through the same thing and are handling it, then it all sorts of shapes up. All you need is two people getting together over coffee once a week to start one. That is a divorce support group of two. Keep finding more and inviting them to join in for an hour or two once a week, etc. We have an article on how to start a divorce group. Call around to people in the divorce counseling business in your town and ask the secretary if she knows of one. Also call the research department at your public library and ask them to see if they can find a divorce group in town for you. Call the largest church in town and ask if they know of any. Never mind what brand, all sorts of people attend these because churches are the only place you can get for free to meet usually. Usually they have almost no religous part in the meeting, other then maybe some token part so they can use the place for free...... Get ready for Act ll. Let's start planning what happens in Act ll and let's make it a good one. Good luck. Every day in every way it gets better and better.
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