Why don’t men court anymore? The answer from psychology
Are you wondering why men don’t court anymore? Actually, you have a point: unfortunately, courtship lately is often skipped in...
Collusion in love: you don’t choose your spouse by chance
Reading time 3 minute(s)
The term collusion in love refers to the implicit agreement between oneself and oneself to fall in love with one person and not another. Does this seem complicated to you? Well, it’s actually quite simple. To summarize, when it comes to choosing a partner, chance would have no place. Let’s take a look at three common cases…
1st case: we choose our partner by mirroring a situation
We believe we are free to choose the person with whom we will live a romance. Doesn’t the popular phrase say that you fall in love? The use of such a verb effectively notifies us that this happens to us without any programming on our part. In fact, it is the opposite. Thus, many couples are formed because without knowing it, each of the partners has the same type of secret history.Thus, they may share the same family secret, such as a drama or an ancestor born of an adulterous union. They may also have the same position in the siblings and the same type of mission entrusted by the parents in an unconscious way. They are both, for example, the old age sticks of their parents or are forever stamped as rebellious children. In a way, when they meet, each one feels the same story in the other. Their cognitive structures incite them without their being aware of it to find a key to their personal history in that of the other.
2nd case: one would choose one’s partner in mirror to one’s parents
This collusion is also called oedipal collusion. It is based on the forbidden. Falling in love in this way is exciting because it is in fact the first and greatest prohibition in any civilized society: sexual love towards the parent. Without knowing it the partners fall thus in love either with the profile that they internalized of their father for the women and of their mother for the men.Thus, your love of blue eyes, long-haired girls or tall, hairy brunettes is not a matter of chance but of the unconscious images you built up of your parents in childhood. And if you choose a completely different partner, you are still in Oedipal collusion because choosing completely different is still choosing according to them!
3rd case: one would choose one’s partner to heal the wounds of the past
This last collusion is generative of fault for the couple which rests on it. Indeed, choosing someone because we unconsciously hope that he will repair us is a lure. Thus, we can put ourselves in couple with an authoritarian woman because our own mother was. Having never found grace in the eyes of our mother, we think we can do it with our lover.Very often it is a waste of time, the same causes tirelessly reproducing the same effects, our authoritarian lover will prove to be just as ruthless as our mother. Some girls are also attracted to men who are much older than they are to make up for a lack of protection from their father. For them too, this often turns out to be a mirage: the paternal feeling will always remain the same and the wound will persist.
In conclusion
These three types of love collusion have certainly made you think of couples you know. Perhaps one of them even made you think of your own couple…Keep in mind that if the stories of couples are sometimes complicated it is because they involve more than two protagonists. There is often a third, or even a fourth, fifth or sixth, which may be the parents, the history or the wounds of each partner…
