Why don’t men court anymore? The answer from psychology
Are you wondering why men don’t court anymore? Actually, you have a point: unfortunately, courtship lately is often skipped in...
Do you like him? Here’s how to take the first step in love
Asking someone you like out on a date is often an awkward and nerve-wracking situation. Especially for us women, who, because of the society we have grown up in, often feel particularly afraid to make the first move.
However, women who are willing to put themselves out there and approach a hypothetical relationship first are more successful than those who wait for the so-called prince charming to find them.
But how can one take the first step in love? Mary G Baccaglini, Italy’s most followed female love coach, explains.
Mom, blogger, radio speaker, writer (her novel Mal che vada ci innamoriamo was a best seller) and trainer (she offers courses, consultations and masterclasses to help thousands of people achieve their romantic goals). Through her work as a love coach, Mary explains why women often signal interest but wait for him to expose himself, and how to take the first (effective) step in all kinds of situations.
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How to take the first step in love? The love coach’s tips
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Why do women rarely make the first step?
The main reason why women have a hard time approaching first is due to the fact that a no extremely hurts. It hurts so much that it almost calls into question the value of the woman herself: that is, a woman who receives a no is likely to link her value to that answer and feel so diminished that she will then not want to try again.
There is a paradox, however, because men are asked to be resourceful and accept with serenity the no’s they receive. And if you think about it, this makes no sense at all. That’s why there has been a bit of a shift: a man no longer accepts to be a prince savior with a woman who maybe doesn’t expose herself in any way.
So it’s necessary for the woman to start taking some steps; which doesn’t necessarily mean the first step — because the first step in our mind is I’m going to go there and try, but in reality it’s not.
The first step depends a lot on character and what we like, and it can also be trivially giving an encouraging signal that lets him know that we can move in a common direction.
How do you put aside the fear of receiving a no?
You have to work on yourself and your self-esteem. The important thing is to be able to untie one’s value as a person from the achievement. This is very complex work, but it should be done regardless of one’s romantic situation.
What I often say is that a no never killed anyone, and it certainly never took away anyone’s value. It’s much worse to take no chances at all and have regrets than to say, ‘I tried but it didn’t go my way.’
How to take the first step?
If you are afraid to step out of your comfort zone
If you want to stay in a kind of comfort zone, without exposing yourself too much, social media helps a lot.
For example, Mary explains, if you see that he does a story where he talks about something, then in direct, always just in private (so we avoid leaving likes everywhere) we take that story and go into positive reinforcement. Just say something simple like I saw your story, it’s very interested, in my opinion… and briefly tell him our opinion.
A man, when he gets a message like that, the first thing he will do is go to our profile and see if we can interest him aesthetically. So if he responds to us, it means that something probably attracted him. At that point we start chatting and get to know each other more and more.
If he is an acquaintance (or friend of friends)
If you already know the person you like, the best way to make the first move is during a conversation. As love coach Mary advises, The first step may very well also be during a conversation saying a man, I really like what you’re saying, would you like it if we explore this topic further over coffee? perhaps giving him more of an availability.
This is a very easy first step, neither vulgar nor ugly, but extremely light-hearted that solves any kind of shyness.
Once this hook is cast, we can simply wait and see if there is a match on the other side. At best, in the worst case scenario, he will say, ‘Sorry, I’m very busy.’
If you met him on Tinder & Co
First of all, there is no such thing as courtship on dating apps, and we women have to get over it, the love coach explains, Courtship starts from the first date, so anything that happens on chat is legitimate.
Approaching someone in chat, where there is objectively both physical and emotional distance, is perceived as something much less related to anxiety.
The best way to approach on dating apps is to read the other person’s bio, which gives us more insight into them without ever having spoken to them. And it starts right from there, with personal questions related to one’s hobbies or passions.
You then need to see each other immediately or come as soon as possible, to avoid emotional involvement taking over before they have met in person, because then you also risk potentially dangerous situations.
If you have just met him at the bar
In this case the situation is a bit more delicate, Mary explains, Either you make an approach together with your friends or if not, it is very difficult for a woman alone to go up to a man who is with his friends and try to hit on him or otherwise make contact.
In this case, my advice is to make eye contact. So you look at a man, you look at him more than once, and you are careful that the man has noticed that we are looking at him.
Physically going up to a man, especially if he is a stranger and is surrounded by other men, creates a lot of insecurity in women. Plus it has to be said that men at this moment in history are also approaching very little in person. Because after two years of the pandemic during which people met each other via chat rooms, it is extremely difficult to find someone to approach you on the premises. That’s why I always recommend eye contact, then if a man is interested he gets up and comes to you.
