Does having sex with a friend ruin the friendship? It depends. Here’s what
Are you at the crossroads where you have to choose between having sex with a friend, risking ruining the friendship forever, or repressing the instincts that have been aroused toward him, risking regret anyway?
First of all, know that sex does not always ruin friendship relationships.
It is good to distinguish between types of friendship, for one thing, but also between types of sex. And of any resulting regrets.
Do you want to know if getting between the sheets with your best friend will stop making it so?
Here’s everything you need to know before you make your choice, conscious or not.
When having sex with a friend ruins a friendship (and when it doesn’t)
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Is sex casual or planned?
The difference between casual and planned sex is enormous, as are the consequences that each of the two types will entail.
Ending up in bed by accident, without ever having premeditated it, can happen under various circumstances. From the party where you have that extra cocktail to the time when you are very sad about having broken up with your boyfriend, ending up in the arms of your friend is an instant.
In case it happens (or if it has already happened), don’t make a big deal about it: most of the time it doesn’t involve any kind of friendship crisis.
The important thing is to talk about it sincerely and calmly, without changing one’s attitude toward the other. Resolve the issue together and everything will go back to the way it was.
If, on the other hand, one or even both of them were already fantasizing about the thing and perhaps planned it down to the smallest detail, then the instinct and the excuse of the unexpected lapses a bit: here we go to premeditation and thus to a friendship that perhaps masks something else
If not quite love, certainly an attraction that goes beyond the confidential relationship that exists between friends.
This is also the case where it does not just happen once: since there is an underlying sexual desire, there will be more occasions when this will emerge, causing you to end up embracing intimately enne times.
You may therefore begin to have a passionate type of relationship, with no sentimental ties beyond friendship. Although many people do not believe that there can be friendship when sex peeps in, in fact many couples (of friends) work just fine this way.
Just make sure it is what you want, both of you.
Having sex with a friend can radically change the relationship
There are also cases where sex that creeps into a couple of friends radically changes things, transforming feelings and even behaviors between the two.
This happens mostly when the sex is casual and unpremeditated, that is, when neither of them would have expected it. And they still find it hard to believe.
One risk is that you, he or both of you may not be able to look at each other the same way the next day.
Embarrassment might sour the relationship, but there’s also something else equally dangerous: If one of you turns out to be in love, it’s over.
But sex can also strengthen friendship
So yes, sex between friends is not only to be handled with care or even avoided like the plague.
It also happens to greatly strengthen friendship. This happens only if the friends in question have been friends for a long time.
In addition to quantity, quality also matters a lot: you have to know each other thoroughly, respect each other and be very sincere with each other.
Only then will you have the basis to be able to handle sex in the best possible way, laughing about it, minimizing the problem, and still dealing with the situation transparently.
So if you have known him since elementary school, he is your confidant and for him you have no skeletons in the closet, okay. Conversely, if that flood of true friendship does not flow between you, let it go.
Bedfellows: does it really work?
Non-casual but planned sex can result in a sexual relationship, the one without boyfriend implications in short.
The formula is the now well-known formula of so-called bed buddies. If it works between you, why not continue?
The important thing is that you are honest with each other but also with any third parties.
If either of you is involved in a romantic relationship, it would be very improper to become friends with benefits because it would mean betraying partners.
Then don’t forget that each other’s expectations end up evolving, so it is likely that sooner or later one of the two will remain romantically involved and will want to claim that exclusivity that is part of another type of relationship instead.
Should feelings not be shared and thus the relationship not was egalitarian, then the bedfellows formula cannot exist.
It would cause one of them to suffer and certainly ruin the friendship.
There are 4 forms of attraction between friends
According to the study conducted by American psychologist Heidi Reeder, there are 4 different forms of attraction between friends.
The most common is friendly attraction, the kind we feel for those whose company we enjoy.
Then there is romantic attraction, which is typical of the first periods when we get to know each other. When it takes over, one would like (consciously or unconsciously) for the relationship to become amorous but perhaps eventually remains only at the level of friendship. Often romantic attraction subsides once the type of relationship between the two is stabilized.
Subjective physical-sexual attraction is when one wants to have sex with a friend while objective attraction makes one find a friend attractive in a general sense but not feel personally attracted.
What the statistics say
Of the 300 respondents for psychologist Heidi Reeder’s study, only 20 percent said they had never had sex with a friend.
Eighty percent had, of which 50 percent went on to achieve a lasting relationship.
76% of those who experienced sex with a friend noted that the friendship relationship became even stronger as a result of the very liaison.
In summary: When having sex with a friend does not ruin the friendship
Sex with a friend works if you are both clear with yourself and with each other.
When there is honesty, there can be no repentance. If you both want to play and explore sexuality together, do it quietly and have fun.
Try not to fall in love, especially if you see that on the other side there is no basis for a relationship beyond friendship with some sporadic sex (until one of you becomes romantically attached to another person).
Obviously in a sex-only relationship it is essential that there is perfect chemistry between the sheets.