Fighting is good for the couple (science says so)
No one likes to argue. Especially if it is an argument with one’s partner.
Ideally, a couple wants to get along and live together peacefully without too many problems. Unfortunately, however, we all know things are not that simple.
No matter how or why, sooner or later you will have an argument with your partner.
Many people consider arguments within the couple a horrible event; the synonym for an unhealthy relationship. But did you know that arguing is not necessarily a bad thing?
In fact, arguing can be a rather healthy and positive part of a good relationship. Science explains why.
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Here’s why fighting is good for the couple
Think frequent fights are a sign of incompatibility, and not of true and deep love? You are wrong!
Numerous studies have shown just the opposite. Couples who fight often (in a civil way, of course) tend to have more loving and lasting relationships than those who never fight.
A recent survey found that 44% of married couples believe that regular fighting (i.e., more than once a week) helps keep their relationship healthy.
Of course, one survey is hardly conclusive proof. But science confirms, Couples who argue together, stay together.
According to a variety of research on the subject, partners who argue civilly and productively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who hide difficult problems and avoid dealing with them.
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What does the expert think?
Many couples mistakenly believe that avoiding discussing sensitive issues means avoiding an argument, and that, in turn, this is good for their relationship.
However, nothing could be more wrong.
Joseph Grenny, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations, explained,
The biggest mistake couples make is ‘avoidance.’ We hear something, think something but say nothing. At least until we can’t take it anymore.
So we wait as long as we can, but end up being certain to argue badly when it would have been enough just to talk about it.
And again, We tend to avoid these conversations because we are aware of the risks of talking openly, but unaware of the risks of not talking.
This is because we weigh only the immediate and obvious risks without considering the long-term costs to intimacy, trust, and connection with our partner.
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In the survey, four out of five respondents said poor communication played a key role in ending the relationship. One half even cited poor communication as the actual cause of the relationship breakdown.
More importantly, said Joseph Grenny, fewer than one in five believe they are to blame when a conversation goes wrong.
The biggest unconscious mistake couples make is not taking emotional responsibility for their feelings, Joseph Grenny said, We think others are making us feel a particular way, and we fail to see our role in our own emotions.
This is why when we discuss our emotions with our loved one we are so often full of accusations and immediately become defensive.
What does the expert recommend then? Talk, talk, talk. And why not, arguing is good for you too!
The success of a relationship is determined by how sensitive issues are discussed, Grenny concluded, True love requires work. True intimacy is not only about love, but also about truth.
Crucial conversations, as well as arguments, are the vehicle for bringing out the truth in a way that can bring the couple back to una feeling of intimacy, connection and trust.