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Healing your relationship with the Toltec Agreements in everyday life
Reading time 6 minute(s)
A path to follow for a couple in good understanding, finally?
Be in agreement with yourself and the other. To be able to communicate harmoniously with him/her while eliminating parasite thoughts or gestures. This is what I invite you to experience by taking inspiration from these Toltec agreements.
What are the Toltec Agreements?
To put it simply, they are 4 axes of conduct which, if we apply them, will lighten the famous mental load by avoiding us to ruminate endlessly on our actions or our missed actions. Transmitted by the ancestors of the Mexicans (the Toltecs) via the contemporary voice of Miguel Ruiz, a neurologist who became a shaman following a near-death experience in 1970, this wisdom must be applied to the entire life of individuals.
What are the Toltec agreements?
Dedicated to the couple, these 4 agreements could be the GPS of a good love behaviour cleaned of any sabotaging, unhappy, parasitic or exhausting behaviour. Indeed, what do they suggest?
1. Have an impeccable word:
For your exchanges with your partner, this means saying Yes, that color suits you only if you mean it and not to please. On the other hand, it does not mean that you should say a nasty You look ridiculous like that just because you think so. It is important to keep in mind that speech is a tool that can build or destroy.
This also means banning I suck or you suck and any other sentence that discriminates against you or even your relationship itself! Stop using internal or external formulas such as We never do anything together We’re not fun enough We have nothing to do together: no more backbiting that ends up corroding everything! Save your energy to talk about yourself, your partner and your relationship in a POSITIVE way!
In a word, your words in your relationship must be free of any artifice that falsifies them and of any malice towards you or the other person. It is there to convey a positive truth. This must be your only reference point concerning it.
2. never make it personal:
With this in mind, you will now be able to keep a cool head in any situation ofin your relationship, going neither into an overconfidence nor into a fit of despair. You are wonderful my love will not be for you a pledge of absolute success but also an encouragement in your positive behavior. Others will not seem to be taken for granted but always to be conquered!
Ditto for the criticisms that he (she) will address to you, you will let him (her) be the author but will not bounce back on them. You have the right to think it and to say it, now what can we do to be together again? This is a way of not letting conflicts escalate while letting the other person express him/herself. A way to listen to the other without wanting to prove him wrong. This way you avoid getting bogged down in what can very quickly become an escalation of criticism on both sides, a destructive settlement of accounts…
3. Don’t make assumptions:
You look worried (s)he, are you mad at me? This last question immediately reflects an explanation you have already made of a situation. You have already written the story without checking with your other half that it is true. Moreover, without realizing it, you are already inducing in this discussion a negative and heavy character. This agreement number 3 suggests instead asking: You seem worried, what’s going on?.
In this way, your loved one’s words are flexible enough to be shared and they have the opportunity to open up to you. His/her explanations do not immediately go down the tortuous path of justification towards you! This way of communicating you can of course repeat it over and over again! Use it and abuse it even! You’ll soon realize that if you stop assuming that your partner’s intentions are not really his or hers, you’ll avoid many conflicts and also many useless and exhausting brainstorms!
4. always do your best:
This means setting limits so as not to be overwhelmed by unwanted emotions. This means applying the first 3 agreements by striving to do your best not more. Perfection does not exist, this avoids you to exhaust yourself unnecessarily to tend towards an ideal and to put in danger of this fact your relation by weakening it.
Judge the situation and ask yourself what you can do to make this moment better.This is a time when your freedom is not too restricted, when you feel respected and when your loved one will feel recognized and welcomed.
For example, your lover goes out for a run 3 times a week and asks you to accompany him/her? If this is not your cup of tea, go with him once a week or once a fortnight. Don’t force yourself to follow his rhythm, that would be too much, don’t tell him you won’t come either! That would really be doing too little and would harm both of you!
The same thing happens when your lover asks you to take her to a restaurant when you go out with your friends: never taking her along is too little, including her in one meal out of 3, or 4… that could be the best…
It’s up to you!
