Questions to ask yourself when deciding whether to get back with an ex
If you are wondering how to figure out whether getting back with an ex-boyfriend might be the right decision or a big mistake, know that there is a fairly surefire way to find the correct answer.
In fact, all of us have that ex-partner we can’t get over.
Maybe it was the first love. Maybe the relationship ended because of circumstances that no one could control. Maybe, for whatever reason, we still think about it. And, perhaps, you have wondered over and over whether you should try again.
Deciding whether to date again is complicated.
You loved each other, but there may have been a reason why you broke up.
**Returning with the ex is bad for your health (science says so)**
To find an answer, however, there are some crucial questions you should ask yourself.
Only rule: be extremely honest in your answer.
**Here’s when getting back with an ex is a good idea (if not, leave it alone)**
How to tell whether to get back with an ex
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Are you sure you want to try again or are you just sad?
The first step in figuring out whether getting back with an ex will be a good idea is to figure out why you want to do it.
Sometimes, in fact, the end of a relationship can be liberating and restorative, but more often it is a sad situation. And being sad is difficult.
In those cases it may seem like there is unfinished business, but it is just sadness.
If that is the case, and you have an ex for whom you still feel something and have hope for some kind of relationship in the future, think twice before doing anything hasty.
The reality is that when a relationship ends, feelings do not automatically disappear and indeed may accompany you for quite some time yet.
However, this does not mean that getting back with an ex is necessarily the right choice to make.
2. Have you taken time to think it through?
Did you give yourself enough space to think through what was wrong and figure out how to do to improve the relationship?
If the answer is no then you definitely need to take time to think about it.
Don’t even think about getting back together with your ex until you’ve given your separation some room to breathe, warns Rachel A. Sussman, psychologist and relationship expert.
Those couples who take some time and space apart before getting back together are more likely to work things out than couples who have broken up for two weeks and get back together because of insecurity, loneliness, or the wrong reasons.
**How to get over an ex-boyfriend in 4 steps**
Have you solved the problem that caused you to leave?
Do not examine with a microscope every single thing that might have caused your relationship to end. Why? Because finding the real reason is easier than you think.
The causes that lead a couple to break up can in fact be divided into two categories: major circumstances or pressures (internal and external).
Some examples of internal pressures that can lead to separation are infidelity, lack of compatibility, and disinterest.
External reasons, on the other hand, might include disapproval of a family member, or lack of time to devote to building a healthy relationship.
Whatever the reason for your breakup, you absolutely must ask yourself this question: has the problem been resolved?
The number one criterion that must be met for it to be possible to get back with an ex is that something has changed, says psychologist Cortney Warren.
There is a reason why the relationship didn’t work out last time; perhaps many reasons. Whatever contributed to your previous breakup, you have to ask yourself if it has been resolved.
Unless you resolve the situation that separated you previously, it will happen again, says relationship expert Rachel A. Sussman.
**Because to be okay in a couple you must first be okay alone**
4. Are you afraid you won’t find anyone else?
This is one of the most misguided reasons to consider.
Sussman explains, Don’t be overwhelmed by fear. Fear of being alone, fear of never meeting anyone again, fear that this is the last opportunity you have, fear of dating.
Wondering if you will ever find a partner after a romantic disappointment is completely understandable.
But this concern should not guide your choices, and especially should not be a reason to decide to get back with an ex.
5. What would you say to your best friend if she were in the same situation?
Although no one can really know what goes on in the intimacy of a relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself what you would advise your best friend if she were in your situation.
We often treat our friends with much more compassion thani as much as we don’t use for ourselves, so if you would advise, for example, your friend to give herself a chance to experience separation and take time for herself, then you should follow your own advice.
What if your own friends react to the breakup with a sigh of relief? Take that response to heart.
Your ex may have wonderful qualities, but is it worth being the only person to see them?
**Fighting is good for the couple (science says so)**